Paris {adem}

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

443 words

music

the category is aesthetics and they are WINNING

[break][break][break]

Got Lovestruck [break]
Went Straight to my head

[break]

Suki had spent a lot of her life in a haze of glitter and guilt and silk, but it wasn't like this. It wasn't this quiet or comfortable, and it certainly wasn't this warm.  [BREAK][BREAK]

Sunlight slanted onto her face. She was trying not to squint or turn from the light. While her headache had faded, the cold hadn't. Not fully. It never did until now.[BREAK][BREAK]



She had been cold most of her life. It was the kind of thing that fire couldn't warm, that sparks did nothing to help. When she was younger, she loved to watch the fires. Now she didn't care. Why would she get smoke in her lungs when nothing could keep her warm?
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But she was warm now, and all she was wearing was his shirt. [BREAK][BREAK]



 The glitter on her eyes didn't feel like the glitter of sunlight on her face. The guilt of indulgence didn't feel like the guilt of knowing she couldn't stay here forever. The silk of her dresses didn't feel like these silk sheets. Late nights didn't compare to early mornings. For once, she could hear songbirds trilling outside, not streaming music. For once, she didn't want to leave.
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Suki always left. She always left first. She always cut ties fast and burned bridges. She spent one night in one bed and then she was gone. It was fast, it was easy, and it was effective. She didn't want to leave now. 
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She wanted to stay here, light t-shirt and warm sunlight. She wanted to stay here, with a fire burning in the grate that was nowhere near as warm as his arm around here. She wanted to stay here, because she didn't have to go. [BREAK][BREAK]



Where else did she have to be? [BREAK][BREAK]



She could hear the fire burning, but the room didn't smell smoky. She could feel the silk sheets on her legs and his hand under her palms. She could smell something cooking from a few buildings over. She could taste him, even now. She couldn't see anything. [BREAK][BREAK]



For once, she wondered what it would have been like if she could. What would it have been like if she could see him? She could feel his heartbeat now, even still. She didn't need anyone else to tell her how lovely he was. But she found herself curious. She found herself wondering. She found herself wishing. [BREAK][BREAK]



Wishing only wounded the heart. [BREAK][BREAK]



She took one deep breath, then another. She could feel him breathing. Breath, heartbeat, hands, lips. Shirt. It was all him. She was melting into him. She was candlewax, dripping away from a flame. She was finally warm.  [BREAK][BREAK]



She didn't want to leave.  [BREAK][BREAK]

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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Adem didn’t even feel guilty anymore. He didn’t feel nervous or uncomfortable or strange like he had when he’d first gotten into bed. His shirt had disappeared throughout the night, but Adem wasn’t cold either. How could he, when there was a fire in the hearth and Suki in his arms? Suki. Suki who never stayed this long. She would be leaving soon, and no matter how tightly Adem held onto her, he knew she would leave. He’d seen her do it time and time again. Hoping would do nothing but hurt him, in the end. So why was he still holding her?

    Everything about this moment was too good to be true. Everything about Suki being there still, after having been there the whole night, was too good to be true. It added to fuel to the fire of his hope. It was not good. He felt her watching him, or what would be her watching him, if she could see. Adem opened his eyes to look at her sleepily. In his half-asleep state, he smiled at her, going against his more rational thoughts. He didn’t deserve this, any of this. He didn’t deserve the comfort of having someone share his bed, he didn’t deserve the comfort of actually caring for said person. But Suki helped him to forget who he was, what he’d done. And he was fae, he would do whatever it took to feel good, even if the after-effects would wreck him.

    His hands were on her waist, and he slid them lower, wrapping his arms around her fully. He gave her a squeeze, and cradled her closer against him. He closed his eyes again, dozing off. Please don’t go, his embrace meant. She was so perfect. Everything about her was perfect, inside and out. But Adem knew, with a sinking feeling, that this perfection wasn’t meant to last. He breathed in the scent of Suki, the scent that was so strange, mixed with the scent of his dorm, and dozed off again.

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Got lovesick all over my bed.

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

295 words

music

the category is aesthetics and they are WINNING

[break][break][break]

Got Lovestruck [break]
Went Straight to my head

[break]

Suki felt like she could hear more music than birds singing. This was an inundation of her senses like nothing she had experienced before. She was used to being inundated and she was used to being sensual, but that always came with being overwhelmed. This was an intoxication that didn't leave her feeling hungover, just hollow. [BREAK][BREAK]

Every heartbeat was another piece of her chipped away, the pieces of her that were supposed to be her armor, falling around her like stolen stars.  [BREAK][BREAK]

He was stolen. A stolen star. The thing that led her home. His arms were around her waist. He was holding her so tightly. She slid her hands up his arms, tracing the shape of him. Tracing him like he was a map. A star chart. Her true north.  [BREAK][BREAK]

Her cheek rested against his chest. She could hear his heartbeat, hear it and feel it echoing through her like its own melody. She could feel the fire at her feet and smell the woodsmoke. Cedar. He was burning cedar. She felt a little like a cedar tree, cut open for her pretty pink heart on display for the world to see.  [BREAK][BREAK]

She didn't like being seen, not when she couldn't see herself. Still, she didn't want to hide. She wanted to breath in, breath out, until she had shed all her armor, except it wasn't armor, it was a cocoon, and she could finally unfurl her wings. She wanted to feel the wind in her hair and burst into color. She wanted to draw star charts with him. [BREAK][BREAK]

Her forehead was resting against his collarbone. She tilted her head up slightly, whispering against his skin. She could feel his breath. "There's a party today." she said, her voice a low murmur. "Let's not go." 
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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Adem came back into consciousness when Suki started speaking. He left his eyes closed, relishing in the feeling of the moment. He wanted to experience it through her point of view. There was nothing to see, but the sacrifice of that one sense left him drowning in all of the others. From the smell of the smoke to the scent of her hair to the smooth silk sheets and her hands on his arms. He felt it all, and he relished it. And then he opened his eyes and saw her. Nestled against his chest like it was the only place she wanted to be. The morning sun was bright, casting a golden haze over his room.

    This moment was so perfect. It made him want to quit his potions studies and learn to make this instead. He’d learn to dilute every sense that was overcoming him right now, he’d separate them all and bottle them. He’d be willing to kill himself to learn how to bottle it all up and make more for the future. He’d kill himself drinking it up, every day. He would need it. Suki would be leaving soon.

    But the sensation of her hands directly on his skin was what really got him. He realized that somehow, during the night, she’d taken his shirt from him and put it on. Sure, at first her outfit had made him uncomfortable, but when he’d gotten into bed he’d been too tired to notice it anymore. He supposed that fatigue had also caused him to forget exactly how his shirt had come off, and didn’t think too much about it. It was best if the memory didn’t resurface. One couldn’t be punished for doing something they had no memory of, right? His mind finally registered what she’d said, and it caused him to smile. “Then why did you bring it up?” he murmured into her hair, voice groggy from sleep. He ran a hand through her hair. “I’m fine with not going. Wherever you go, I will follow.” He paused, his head bowing down to try and drown itself in the scent of her. “I could stay here all day.”

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Got lovesick all over my bed.

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

752 words

music

the category is aesthetics and they are WINNING

[break][break][break]

Got Lovestruck [break]
Went Straight to my head

[break]

Suki always found it curious that the fae could not leave footprints, but now it seemed to fall into focus.



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Cedar wood burning in the hearth and cedar smoke in her hair, mixed up with the smell of sage. The whole place smelled warm, like someone was doing a cleanse. Maybe he was burning sage in that fire or maybe she hadn't killed her memories as well as she thought she had. 



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Her mother burned sage, all the time. Burned it when Suki was two and sick and maybe dying. Burned it when she was cooking and when she couldn't sleep. Carried bundles of it in her pockets. It wasn't proper for a lady but she wasn't a proper lady. She had gotten married too young to a boy from the wrong bloodline because when Suki looked at how old her parents were when she was born she realized that's what her father was. A boy. Barely twenty, and now her age was sneaking up to that and she was doing what? The same thing? Or something worse? 



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Adem was full fae but he didn't have the money. Not that she needed it, but then, her mother hadn't either. Two hopeless romantics made a daughter who swore not to fall in love then did what the fae weren't supposed to do and broke that promise. At least she hadn't spoken it out loud-- otherwise she would have to leave now and she didn't have the strength to do that. She didn't even have the strength to ask if he was really burning sage or if her memories were creeping up on her as her youth was slipping away. 



[BREAK][BREAK]

Hot cakes drizzled in honey. Falling off a banister and hiding instead of telling anyone she was hurt. Her hand, slick with her own blood. Snow in the winter and the way her tracks vanished almost instantly. The smell of sage in the air whenever her father was angry. The way it soothed him. The way it soothed her too. Running into the woods and realizing that she barely crushed leaves underfoot. No footprints. No tracks. Just memories that she couldn't prove. The scar on her knee from that fall had faded. Even if you looked, you would never see her scars. 



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She could see other people's, though. Even when she was young she understood how that worked, that everything could be hidden and knowing was better than wondering even when the truth hurt. The truth now? That she was just like her mother, even if she couldn't point to it. 



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That the cut she had dug into his wrist with her nails was healing. That there would be no footprints and no tracks of this, and it would be temptingly easy to pretend it never happened. No proof. 



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Her mother didn't do what was easy and sometimes Suki wished she had. Sometimes Suki wished she had been born to a properly strict family and never had to trade her  sight for her freedom or have an empty house just to feel safe. And them sometimes she was glad for her father's temper, for the way she could feel herself speaking more like him, especially when it mattered, for her quick wit. She was tangled up in on herself, but she was happy she was here, and she wouldn't be if she was anyone else.  



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Maybe she should stay here, with him, with his arms around her, feeling everything. She used to think of herself as sensual, but this was different. There was nothing risqué about this. It was just facts. She could feel so much, too much, more than she expected. She was present in this moment and she didn't have to force herself to be. There was no quick wit needed now, just a softness she had never had. A softness she wasn't at all sure she could bear. 



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She wanted to stay. She was staying. She was doing all the things she thought she would never do. She was leaning into his heartbeat as her guide more and more. She was losing herself and it felt a little like becoming.  



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"And after that?" she asked. After today, there was tonight. There was tomorrow. She was so good at hiding, but she couldn't shed her armor forever. There would be prying eyes and people putting them through their paces. There would be talking and losing control of the narrative or just losing. She wouldn't have him forever.  



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No tracks. No footprints. 



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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Adem never thought of the future. He’d always been restricted to the past. His past. His family’s past. Everything he had done was important. Never what he would do. Never what he could do. Only what he did do. It was tiring. So when Suki asked him her question, he didn’t think of it in the short-term, as in, what happened tomorrow or what happened after this morning. He thought of forever. Did he get a forever? Did Suki? Would they get to be together, if they did have the privilege of a forever? His head filled with questions and formed that whirlwind buzz that he’d never been able to quiet roared even louder. He would never die, but he couldn’t live forever. That fact was something he’d never been able to comprehend. That one day he’d simply cease to exist, for reasons no one had ever figured out.

    He remembered how different he’d been when he was younger. Both different from his peers, and different from his current self. Adem had always been content to be by himself. He’d scramble away in some remote corner with a book, not making a peep, not bothering anyone else, until his mother needed him. He’d listen to the other children play outside, but he wouldn’t feel the need to join them, only to chastise them for being so loud. He was smarter than they were, until something happened a few years ago and they’d caught up to him. Or maybe he’d just slowed down. It didn’t matter. Either one still stung.

    And now he was confronted with the thought of tomorrow, when he’d always been made to wallow in yesterday. “I don’t know,” he said simply. “Whatever you want, I suppose.” Adem had never been the one to make choices for himself. His greed had ended in his brother losing his limb, so he’d learned his lesson. He wasn’t afforded the privilege of thinking of what he’d do after school, because it wasn’t his choice to make. He was the eldest, and he would follow in his parents' footsteps no matter how hard he tried not to. They were the ones who got to choose, ultimately, what his future would look like. He’d graduate and go back home to work for Suki’s aunt, just like all the generations before him had. At least she might delegate him to keep looking after Suki. It really didn’t matter, he realized, what the others would choose for him. As long as he got to be with her, he’d be more than happy.

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Got lovesick all over my bed.

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

550 words

music

the category is aesthetics and they are WINNING

[break][break][break]

Got Lovestruck [break]
Went Straight to my head

[break][break]

"That's not fair," she said. She breathed in. She breathed out. Grounding was supposed to be healing, but for her it was continual effort. Continual struggle. Leaving was easy and loving was deadly. Romanticism got you killed. "I can't lie." 

[break][break]


For her to speak of fairness was an injustice in and of itself. But then again, it wouldn't be the first injustice she had committed. She wasn't a kind girl, a good person. They didn't live in a just world. The fae had no forces controlling them, but wasn't that why it was their whims that were burning everything down.




[break][break]
Everything she wanted.. she couldn't say. She couldn't say. Some of it was daring and more of it was risqué, but it was also terrifying. It was also the kind of risk that wasn't thrilling because it wasn't what anyone else considered a risk. She couldn't stand to be in love and they couldn't stand to be alone. She would never understand it. 

[break][break]


Suki had lived in a world of happy faces and people who treated excitement like it was just that. For her, it wasn't an addiction, it was survival. If she slowed down she found herself dead. If she dropped her guard she could lose everything. She lived life on the edge of a cliff and she wouldn't pull anyone else off in her inevitable fall. She had given up her childhood for the hope of living to be an adult, but what then? 

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Was this what making it felt like? It was not bloody, not brutal, not curling her hands around shards of glass just to hold on. It was silent. It was soft, and it was proof that there was no justice in this world, because she didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve him. 

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Suki kissed him once then, not hard, not like it was anything at all. He didn't smell like ash anymore. There was nothing burning down. This wasn't the fire that ruined cities and destroyed futures. It was the fire that kept people alive. 

[break][break]


Justice and futures and lovely ideals. More of what she didn't deserve. More of what he brought into her life? And how long would she have it? How long would this last? Everyone was going to talk, and their words could fan a fire. Who knew better than her what words could do? She was responsible for the demise of a half-dozen love stories just because she was bored. And she said it was all for the best, because falling for someone was really just falling and eventually you were going to have to deal with the impact, but she wasn't so sure of that now. 

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She wasn't sure of anything at all. 

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Except the fact that she didn't deserve this. She couldn't. Logic and fate and all the stars could align, and the answer would be the same every single time. She didn't deserve this and she couldn't keep him. It was all so fleeting. 

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But was she really sure of that? She was still here, wasn't she? 

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She was still here, and her mother had stayed, and every story didn't repeat itself every time. No fate and no justice. Then the choice was hers. [break][break]


It was true. She wasn't sure of anything anymore.


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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Adem propped himself up on his elbow, looking down at Suki. He brushed a stray hair out of her face, and when she kissed him, it was like nothing he’d ever felt before. It wasn’t special, in any way. It wasn’t passionate, or rushed, like the way they’d kissed under the blue moon. It wasn’t sloppy, like how she’d kissed him before she’d fallen and he’d caught her. It was simple. There was such beauty in their simplicity. The simplicity that they’d created. The simplicity that was for them, and only them. The simplicity that wasn’t simple at all, but complicated. This whole moment was a paradox.

    And Adem wanted. He wanted many things, wanted forgiveness from his family, to succeed in life, and to do the things that made him happy. But all those wants paled in comparison to the want he felt for Suki. Because he didn’t only want Suki’s kiss, or the feel of her hair, or her outlandish outfits, or her debauched lifestyle. He wanted all of Suki. Every last secret that she had, he wanted it to be his secret too. Everything that made her happy, would make him happy too. Every single piece of herself that she would offer to him, he’d take it, but he wouldn’t only keep it, he’d nurture it, protect it like his life was on the line, because it was, really. Who was he if he didn’t have her?

    He reached down and brushed a kiss over her jawbone. “Well, what’s wrong with the truth?” he asked, his head tilted curiously. Omission was the only form of falsehood a faerie could commit. But Adem didn’t want her omission, he wanted her truth. “Is there something you aren’t telling me?” The question was probing, but not in an interrogative way, it was more flirtatious, teasing. As if he could tease the truth out of Suki. He’d learned it from her, after all. Adem lay himself down next to her again, his arms circling around her, pressing her as close as he possibly could. But close wasn’t close enough. It could never be.

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Got lovesick all over my bed.

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

489 words

music

the category is aesthetics and they are WINNING

[break][break][break]

Got Lovestruck [break]
Went Straight to my head

[break][break]Suki sighed. She was so caught up in the aestheticism, it was hard to focus on the truth. And she preferred it that way. Of course she preferred it that way. What was wrong with the truth? So many things.[break][break]



This was fragile. They were fragile. This moment could not last. They were doomed to fall. And she wanted to stay anyway. She wanted to answer all his questions. She wanted to lie to him if it would make him stay. Did that make her awful or for once, wise? She had no idea, but she had never been well suited to wisdom.[break][break]



It was easy to stay here, warm sunlight and smoke and no mirrors. She had nothing to compare it to, nothing to confuse it with. It was singular and plain and welcoming. It was the childhood she had never known, the safety she was supposed to have inherited. So her birthright was blood money. So she would have to fight tooth and nail for even this. She had fought tooth and nail for everything else that had mattered. Or she had fought tooth and nail for one thing, and then she had taken off running. Anytime they got too close to the truth, she ran.


[break][break]
And now he was asking for it. She was nervous to answer and she knew she should. The answer was that there were too many things wrong with the truth. The truth was that she was a broken glass girl and he was a boy constructed entirely of sharp edges. The truth was that she was still the child who wandered alone in endless woods to hide from the fact that she was bleeding. The truth was that she was still the girl who bargained away the chance to see for the opportunity to feel, because she feared she might not have the chance otherwise. Now she was drunk on it. Now she was feeling so much, she didn’t know where to start.


[break][break]
This was the part where she ran. The thing that was so bad about the truth was that she ran out of fear, not hatred. The thing that was so bad about the truth was that she fled as soon as it started to be real. The truth was that she was a broken glass girl because she shattered the mirror. The truth was that she could never look at herself too closely because then she might see exactly where she was bleeding from. It was better to not know.


[break][break]
“It’s better not to know.” She said, “Haven’t you learned anything about court politics?” He was teasing her and she was teasing back. He probably didn’t know anything about politics. It was lovely. She had been given her moment in the sun. She had done the glitter and the parties and the champagne. It wasn’t anything to celebrate. This was something to treasure. It’s unremarkability made it remarkable.




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