Flawless {Suki}

[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Five weeks. That was the amount of time he’d gone without seeing Suki. It wasn’t that he’d missed her (which he had), but he was getting very concerned. Classes went on as usual, and Adem tried his best to keep up. Of course, struggling to do his best was achieving success for someone else. He’d attended all the parties he could possibly make his way into, looking for Suki and having a terrible time. He could pretend he was someone else at those parties, asking around for her, but all the guys he talked to didn’t know a thing. It was somewhat of a comfort, to pretend to be someone else for a while. But Adem wasn’t someone else, no matter how much he wanted to be. And he was not above the rest either, he was simply apart from them.

    His footsteps were nothing more than soft rasps on the cold flagstone floor, and even though he’d gone this exact route, with this exact purpose over twenty times in the last five weeks, he felt like he’d actually get somewhere tonight. Adem was not expecting to find Suki, but he felt that he would learn at least something of her whereabouts. Maybe one of her dorm mates had seen her come into her room for a fresh set of clothes. Maybe she spent the nights in her bed and wandered during the day. He doubted it, though. Suki would just spend the night in someone else’s bed and then wander off until she found her next escapade. Adem let out a sigh. Her aunt had not even bothered to contact him at first, which made him think that she knew where Suki was, and thus, Adem would not have to worry. Unfortunately, it seemed that Suki’s aunt had stopped caring so much about her niece’s whereabouts and instead was more focused on other matters, like the coronation of the new Queen.

    That was what had made him really concerned, and he’d only found out about it two weeks ago. He shook his head, disengaging from his tangle of thoughts as he found himself in the entrance to the girl’s dormitories. He walked right in. The Iris Academy staff were not nearly as strict as he would have expected, especially when it came to the older students. If a boy was found sleeping with a girl in her dorm room, their main concern would probably be whether it was consensual or not. Either way, Adem was not turning back now. He made his way down the hall, counting the doors on the left until he found the one that led to Suki’s room. He took a deep breath. Even if she’s not here, please just let me find out something. He thought. Who he was asking, he didn’t know. He raised his hand to knock. Would Suki even want to see him? What if he had messed up whatever had started between them? What if the reason he hadn’t seen her in so long was because she’d been avoiding him? Adem rapped knuckles on the door three short times. He wouldn’t be surprised if he’d ruined it all.

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Your only flaw, you are flawless

But I just can't wait for love to destroy us.

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

636 words

music

n/a

[break]

I'm playing the victim so well in my head [break]

But it's me who's been making the bed

[break][break]


Suki had a pounding headache. Had she really meant to be out for a day and a half? When was the last time she had eaten? She groaned, rubbing her temples. She had come in ten minutes ago, shaking on her feet, pulling off her heels. Now she was standing in her room, wincing at the light she could feel on her face. Her throat was desperately dry. She needed food. She needed something to drink. She just wanted to collapse on her bed, but she could feel the glitter digging into her skin. She needed to do one thing at a time. [break][break]



She peeled off the skintight glitter suit she had been wearing. She had been told it was black. Colors were relative to her, faint memories at best. She didn't really care so long as she could feel the crystals on it. But now she was just in a t-shirt that might not have been hers. If it was Adem's-- she didn't dwell on it. It was certainly too big for her. 
[break][break]


She let her hair down and scrubbed her face. For once, she was grateful she couldn't see her reflection. At night, in the parties, it was all a haze, all a mix of drinks and laughter and shrieks. She had heard lots of rumors. "Somebody's been looking for you," a boy slurred, throwing his arm over her shoulders. She just pushed him away. "Then let them find me," she had laughed. Her face would never show the turmoil she was feeling. [break][break]



She put on tea. Tea Adem had showed her how to make. The room started to smell like sage. She couldn't stand it. Her headache had not faded. She took a few gulps of water like that would fix two days with no sleep. It wasn't even close to the worst she had done. But she would be missing classes again. She only went enough to stay technically enrolled, only to the ones Adem wasn't at. 
[break][break]


It shouldn't have been so hard to forget him. It was never hard to forget them. Even now, the one she had spent last night with was fading in her mind. Part of it was that nothing really happened-- he passed out before midnight-- but another part of it was just that it didn't matter. Why did it feel like Adem mattered?

[break][break]

He shouldn't. Faerie was changing and old horrors were waking. Suki could feel the destruction in the air like she had learned to sense the heartbeat of the land itself. She would be curious to find herself in a room with the mortal queen of faerie, but she had not been given the honor. Not yet. Either way, being with her was a risk, and she wouldn't risk him. Or was it that being with him was a risk to her, and she wouldn't risk herself? She didn't know anymore. 


[break][break]

She heard slamming on her door. She winced. It made the pain at her temple flair up again and pressed the heel of her hand to her forehead. Could it be a teacher? Ordinarily, she would ignore it, but she hadn't been at class in... what day was it? She sighed. She couldn't get thrown out. Being here was bad, but being stuck at home was worse.
[break][break]


For once, she wished for sight. A peephole wouldn't help her at all here. And she was too far away, she couldn't feel any heartbeat at all. She walked up to the door and opened it. Something was nagging at her.
[break][break]


The sensation hit her like a brick wall. She could feel the heartbeat, not just any heartbeat, his heartbeat, the one she had memorized, in her bones like it was her own. Someone's looking for you. She didn't have to see him to know.
[break][break]


"Adem."  

[BREAK][BREAK]

[newclass=.Lost]opacity:0;transition:all linear .5s;-webkit-transition:all linear .5s[/newclass][newclass=.Lost:hover]opacity:95%;transition:all linear .5s;-webkit-transition:all linear .5s;background-color:#9e1717[/newclass]

[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Adem did not expect the door to open. He jumped in surprise and looked down to find a very weary-looking Suki. His heart jumped too when he saw her. It had been so long, and he had grown so worried. Seeing her here, worn, but very much alive, was the relief he didn’t know he’d needed. “Suki.” he breathed, too filled with shock and relief to say anything else. He stepped forward, but for what reason he did not know. He wanted to rush forward and hold her, but he was also getting more and more upset by the second. She left him, with absolutely no knowledge of where she was. He could set aside whatever had gone on between them, but the fact of the matter was that it was Adem’s job to know where Suki was and to make sure she was safe. She had not let him do that.

    A beat passed, and the relief turned to full-on annoyance. Fine, he was mad. “Where have you been?” he exclaimed, his voice harsh against the cozy silence of the dormitory. He lowered his voice. “I have been looking everywhere for you. Do you know how worried I’ve been?” He hated how chastising he sounded, like a parent berating their child. Suki was no child, and Adem was no parent. His responsibility was to know where she was and keep her safe. Nothing more. That was the only reason he was upset. She had prevented him from doing his job and thus jeopardized his position. He was only upset because she had been inconsiderate. That was it. That had to be it.

    “Do you know how much sleep I’ve lost going to your silly parties trying to find you?” His voice was strained, trying to remain quiet, but not without losing all the emotion he was feeling. Adem studied her face, trying to see how she’d react. He sighed exhaustedly, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I’m glad I found you. Please, next time you decide to disappear just let me know where you are. I don’t have to be there if you don’t want me to, but at least I’ll know where to look if you go missing.” His eyes finally noticed the glitter on her face and hands. The hall was dimly lit, so he couldn’t quite see what she wearing, but it was obvious she’d just come from a party. The laces at the top of her dress were undone, and— he did a double take. “Are you wearing my shirt?”

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Your only flaw, you are flawless
But I just can't wait for love to destroy us.

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

611 words

music

n/a

[break]

I'm playing the victim so well in my head [break]

But it's me who's been making the bed

[break][break]


It took her a moment to steady herself. It took her a moment to even register the questions. She knew who it was. She didn't know much right now, but she knew him. That was about it. [break][break]

Adem was here. Adem was angry. Adem was worried. Adem was here. She had been out for two days, missing class for five weeks, and running all her life, but he was here now. She hadn't been back in her dorm in a week. Had he come looking? Why did he care?
[break][break]
She couldn't forget him and he couldn't be neutral on her. They were unhealthy for each other. They were unsafe. She had blown up another perfectly good situation. She had broken another heart. She had ruined someone else's memory of her. She wondered what people would remember about her. That she refused to be loved or that she was unlovable. 
[break][break]
Suki blew her breath out. The room tilted under her feet. She didn't want to deal with this. She didn't want to face him. She didn't want to answer his questions. Even his voice grated across her like rocks being kicked down a path. Even his questions felt like they were trying to peel off her skin.
[break][break]
She always felt like this around him, raw and red and known. Too watched, too studied. He cared too much. He asked the wrong questions. He probed about everything. She could feel his heartbeat rattling around in her veins like she had inhaled it. She could feel his worry like she had swallowed it. She shifted once, twice, then turned back into her room. The teapot was whistling. 
[break][break]
She left the door open. He could come in if she wanted. She felt like a petulant child, running from her mistakes. She would always be that girl, bleeding alone in the woods. She leaned over the teapot. She breathed in the smoke. It smelled like flowers. It smelled like thyme and sage and secrets. It smelled bitter. 
[break][break]
She pressed her feet into the floorboards. She steadied her breathing. She poured the tea with shaking hands. On the second cup, tea splashed over, singing her hand. She pulled back, trying not to wince. Why was she making two cups?
[break][break]
"Would it be better or worse if it was yours?" she asked, rubbing her burned wrist. She was sure it would be worse, sure that she was already entirely too entangled in him to start with. She was sure of that and only that. She wanted to cut ties. It felt like cutting off pieces of herself. It felt like being cut open.
[break][break]
"You don't want to know where I've been," she said, sitting down on her bed. "You don't want to know who I've been with. Let yourself think you were the only one. Trust me, its better that way." She had never been heartbroken before, but she had felt it. She had been caught off guard by it. If she could feel his heartbeat burrowing into her core, then she would feel his heartbreak like a fresh wound. She was still being selfish. She was always selfish. His anger was better. She knew she deserved it.
[break][break]
"Be angry with me. Just don't keep trying to care." She could hear it in his voice, the betrayal, the hurt. She could feel it radiating off him like a broken bone. The hollowness. She felt hollow, carved out, but that might be hunger or thirst or wanting something she could never have. She felt hopeless all over again. She was warning him. How did she know he wouldn't listen?
[break][break]
Did she really want him to listen?
[break][break]
What would she do if he listened?



[BREAK][BREAK]

[newclass=.Lost]opacity:0;transition:all linear .5s;-webkit-transition:all linear .5s[/newclass][newclass=.Lost:hover]opacity:95%;transition:all linear .5s;-webkit-transition:all linear .5s;background-color:#9e1717[/newclass]

[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Adem let out an exasperated sigh. Maybe he had been too harsh? Suki’s unseeing eyes blinked once, twice, and then she turned around and returned to the room. He followed and closed the door behind them. He stood awkwardly in the middle of her room, watching as she poured them both cups of what seemed to be sage tea. He had shown her how to make it. He glanced back up at her as she spoke. Her question was grating. “Well, I don’t know. Is that what you wore while you slept in someone else’s bed? Then that makes it all worse.” She would do it, that was for sure. He could picture it now. The soft black silk of her hair falling down against the ivory of his shirt while she— Never mind. He didn’t need to be put into a worse mood than he already was.

    Suki was trying to run, to get away from him. But why? It irritated him because he knew he hadn’t done anything wrong. He lifted his bag from his shoulder and set it on the floor, crouching down next to it. “If you wore it because it reminded you of me, then maybe it would make this better.” He muttered, opening his bag and rummaging through it. There had to be some calendula leaf salve in there somewhere. He always had some made for himself just in case he got burnt. Vials clinked against each other as he looked for the right thing. Finally he found it, and out the delicate vial along with a small swath of bandage.

    He latched the bag shut and stood. “Give me your hand.” he sighed impatiently. Adem set the small bottle on the table next to the teacups, steam fogging up the glass. He examined the burn, softly brushing his fingers over it. If she left the salve on overnight, she would have nothing but a small scar in the morning. “I do want to know where you’ve been. Because, as I’ll remind you, it’s my job to know. And I know I’m not the only one. Don’t think I can pretend I’m not.” His fingers worked deftly as he spoke. Why was he helping her? Wasn’t he supposed to be upset? Well, he was upset with her, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t still take care of her.

    He dropped a few drops of salve onto the burn and rubbed it in, making sure to be gentle. The oiled orange petals mixed with the glitter on her skin, which irritated Adem, for the wound should have been cleaned. He supposed it would be okay, since it was a small burn. He closed the bottle and set it back on the table with a clink. “I’m angry because I care.” he said softly. Now he’d taken up the bandage, wrapping it around her hand enough times to cover the burn and the ointment. He tied it up, but didn’t let go of her hand. “I know you don’t, but I do.” He let go of her wrist. “Leave that on until the morning. It should get rid of the burn completely.”

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Your only flaw, you are flawless
But I just can't wait for love to destroy us.

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

631 words

music

n/a

[break]

I'm playing the victim so well in my head [break]

But it's me who's been making the bed

[break][break]


Suki flexed her free hand. It took strength to stand her, anchored to the spot, touching him but not really. It took strength not to collapse into him and it took strength not to run. She didn't know which was harder. She only knew that she had no skill in quietness, no skill in staying.
[BREAK][BREAK]


"You assume I was sleeping," she said, her voice rough, flipping her hand so that her fingers were to his wrist. She could feel his pulse. It didn't steady her. It ricocheted through her bones. It was an infusion if she was injecting herself with fire. "But not all of your experiences were universal."
[BREAK][BREAK]


She could not lie. He was not the only one and she could not claim as such. But Adem was the only person she would be standing here across from. Adem was the only person who had been hard to forget. Adem was the only one who she had let hold her like she mattered. She didn't know why she tolerated his kindness. It was only going to crash and burn.
[BREAK][BREAK]


In all truth, Suki was posing these questions because she didn't know the answer. She had never been in the position of the one who worried, the one who cared. She was sought after. She did not seek. She wasn't the jealous one. She had moved on first. But what if it was Adem who was sleeping in another girl's bed. What if he had ignored her first?
[BREAK][BREAK]


Good, she thought at the same time her grip on his wrist tightened. She wasn't at all sure she would have been able to get that word out loud. "I wouldn't need to," she murmured. Everything reminded her of him anyway.

[BREAK][BREAK]


I'm angry because I care. She glared at him, at where she knew he would be, because she always knew where he would be, because she always knew him. "Trust that I know that." she said bitterly. She resented him for caring, for making this so hard. Being angry was better. Finding excuses to run was better. But he kept insisting on staying and she didn't know how much longer she could fight against the inevitable. They would never end well. It was only a question of how long they could last. He had to know it to. He kept claiming it was his job. She didn't understand that integrity, that honor, that dedication. He stayed and he listened and he cared and she hated it. 
[BREAK][BREAK]


"You're just so good," she snarled. She was filled with menace and it was leaking out now. She didn't know where the pain came from, but there was some broken thing in her that just wouldn't be fixed.  Eventually it had to escape. Was this that, or was it just her, shattering all over again. "You care so much, don't you? And nothing can every push you away from that duty, that honor, but I--" she gripped his wrist tighter. "I am not worth the trouble. And trust me, that's all it will be." Broken things like her didn't love. Their edges were shattered and they cut everything that came to close. He could try to see past her walls but he would just cut himself, and she wouldn't have the good grace to help him clean up the mess, because there was nothing good in her.
[BREAK][BREAK]


She was breathing hard. She felt something like tears on her face, but that was ridiculous, because she didn't cry. She just ignored everything and the rift in her grew wider and wider until it was a chasm. He could not sew it back up or bandage it together. She could leave a salve on forever and the thing would just get infected. There was no healing for her. 


[BREAK][BREAK]

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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Adem had wanted to let her go, but she had just latched right back on. Her fingers tightened around his wrist, and it took him back to a time when the scent of hydrangeas lingered in the room, when she had almost died, and he had healed her. He still had the scars her fingernails had left on his wrist. Would she always be giving him scars after he healed her? He glanced up at her. The determined set of her face made him wonder what she was thinking, why she was gripping him so tightly. He laughed sarcastically. “Oh, I know you weren’t sleeping. But would you rather me use the more honest word for it?” He was not one for crass language, but it sure would’ve gotten the message across. “Like I said, I know I’m not the only one.”

    He tried not to have false hope. Suki didn’t mean that she thought of him because she didn’t think of him. Especially not in any way other than the professional way. He took care of her, and she spent her days making his job harder. But the way she had said it so quietly, like he had, when the rest of the time her words had been so fierce, made something flutter in his chest. He didn’t want it there. “If you kno—” Adem started, trying to interject. You're just so good. He heard what she said after that, but it barely registered in his mind. You're just so good. He could hear her voice in his mind over and over again. Suddenly he wasn’t in Suki’s room anymore. Suddenly he was rushing through a burning building, choking on smoke, his brother’s limp, legless body over his shoulders. And all he could hear were those four words. You're just so good.

    How could anyone think that he was good, basically perfect? No, how had he succeeded in making people think that he was perfect? He used to be perfect. Used to be the smart, polite boy that made all the aunties love him. But then he stopped knowing everything. He started his experiments, and his brother lost his leg because of one of them. Was he good because people saw him as good? Or did their opinions not matter? If so, he was quite the opposite of good. But Adem was not evil. He felt remorse for what he’d done. Didn’t that count for anything? And to hear Suki say what she was saying, made his heart ache in the worst way possible. Because he wanted her to think highly of him. But he also didn’t want to have to keep up the facade around her, too. She had said he was dutiful and honorable, and he cared, and she was too much trouble for him. And it made her heart ache too, apparently. Because there were tears on her face. But that couldn’t be right, because Suki didn’t cry.

    He lifted his free hand up to her face, and the skin his fingers brushed against was wet. “Suki,” he murmured, his voice felt raw, but he hadn’t been yelling. “I am not perfect.” Maybe that’s why they were drawn to each other. On the outside, they looked perfectly fine. But on the inside, they were both terribly broken. There were new indents on his wrist, and he could see the red blossoming under her fingernails. Now he’d have her marks on both of his wrists. “One could say that I am also trouble.” One that knew everything about Adem, that was. “Because I am broken.” His hand was still on her cheek. He wanted to tell her to stop crying, but a voice in the back of his mind reminded him that he was supposed to be upset with her. But he knew he couldn’t be upset with her when she was obviously hurting. No matter how hard he tried, he knew he couldn’t stay mad at her for long. “But you are broken too, aren’t you?”

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Your only flaw, you are flawless
But I just can't wait for love to destroy us.

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

563 words

music

n/a

[break]

I'm playing the victim so well in my head [break]

But it's me who's been making the bed

[break][break]


I’m not broken, Suki thought, which was a bald-faced lie at best and a betrayal of all truth at worst. She was not just broken. She was also brokenness. She was also destruction.

[BREAK][BREAK]

”It is not as bad as it could be,” she said, releasing his arm, stepping away from him. ”You have never been broken by me.”


[BREAK][BREAK]
She was awful. She was filled up with poisoin and it leaked out of her. It rotted every good thing it touched. She did not deserve him or his touch or his comfort or his teas because she would destroy it all in the end. She sat on her bed and tried to ignore the coldness of the space he left behind.

[BREAK][BREAK]

She would be that cold forever. With her luck, she would make hell freeze over.

[BREAK][BREAK]

Was it luck or was it justice? She didn’t believe in justice, but if it existed, then where was the retribution for her parents? So she deserved every good thing falling apart. So she alone could rip the stars from the sky because no brightness wanted to be near her. But was falling in love really just the greatest wickedness? She had put up walls against it for so long and now she was here. It was warm and he was safe and it smelled like sage. It was her own personal hell. She was so close to what she wanted and she could see it all falling apart like she couldn’t see anything.

[BREAK][BREAK]

Hell was a topic close on her mind, and it was ironic that she should only consider it now. The mortals had all kinds of perceptions of it, some idea that it was an otherworldly dimension that only came after death. Suki knew better. The fae didn’t die. Like anything else, hell was something they built. She was constructing her own with every ragged breath in Adem’s presence.

[BREAK][BREAK]

”I could tell you stories,” she said, rushing ahead, talking too much like she did when she was nervous. ”I would tell you of all the hearts I broke, all the rumors I spread, all the awfulness I incited and encouraged. I could tell you about the boys who were left hollow or the girls left destitute. I could tell you I don’t even remember their names. I could prove to you that there is no awfulness like me.”
[BREAK][BREAK]


And then what would he do? His goodness, his duty, it had to have a limit. The acid vat had tipped over. She had shattered. Every tiny flaw she might have had was pushed to its limit, and they all spiderwebbed outward. Every little wound had been sitting in bile this whole time. She was overflowing with it– the awfulness, the despair. She would choke it out. He would burn out and everything would go dark.
[BREAK][BREAK]


”Leave, run, and you won’t have to face the truth.” she said. ”I am broken,” But this truth wasn’t freeing, this truth was inevitable. Inevitable like a classic tragedy. She was a blind seer. It had been coming for them all this time. ”I am the kind of broken you cannot fix. I can only break more.” She could not claim goodness or put up a farce. So she loved him and she was awful. That was only a recipe for diaster, nothing more. How could they ever been anything more?[BREAK][BREAK]



Every question was just another piece in her own damnation.



[BREAK][BREAK]

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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Adem caught himself hoping, which was a terribly stupid thing to do in this situation. He was hoping that he could convince her to stop hating herself because that’s what it seemed she was doing. All Suki had said was that she was broken, but he could see it in the way she talked and the way she moved that she hated herself for not being whole. He could understand, and he certainly was not about to judge her for it. He watched as she wrenched herself away from him, moving to sit on the edge of her bed. He couldn’t help but notice how much her brokenness presented itself in her posture. She was hunched over, head down, shoulders curling in. How could he be upset with her when she looked so sad?

    He moved towards her, mattress shifting as he sat down next to her. Their knees touched, but he didn’t move his away. “No awfulness like you? You assume that your sins are the only ones ever committed. There are people worse than you, Suki.” He was thinking of himself, as much as he hated to admit it. He was such a hypocrite, thinking he could reassure Suki of her innocence when he thought the exact way that she did. Sleeping around was nothing. He didn’t care that he wasn’t the only one, because he’d known it for so long. He was the one who accompanied her wherever she went. He saw the looks she got, filled with lust or longing, he knew to make himself scarce when she started to get touchy with someone. He knew not to talk to her too much once he saw her the morning after.

    “I am facing the truth right now. I have been staring it down for so long, I’m practically friends with it.” Adem wondered why she thought she’d been concealing anything from him. They spent so much time together, not necessarily by choice, but even that was enough to draw them close to each other. “You’re not the thing that broke me. If you shattered me more, I don’t think it would change anything.” He turned to look at her, her dark hair falling limply around her face. He tucked a strand of it behind her ear. “Don’t hide from me, okay?” He put his arm around her shoulders tentatively, bracing for her to shrug it off. “We can make something new out of our broken pieces. Something more beautiful than before.”

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Your only flaw, you are flawless
But I just can't wait for love to destroy us.

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

1302 words

music

n/a

[break]

I'm playing the victim so well in my head [break]

But it's me who's been making the bed

[break][break]


It was hubris, to think she was the worst thing that could happen to a person. It was hubris and it was foolish. It was another sin stacked on piles of them. Would she be forced to prove her hubris some day? Would she feel any satisfaction in her justification? What if she couldn't? Where did that leave her? She was still a girl who shouldn't exist, still a girl made of up so many cultures that she might as well been an atlas, still a girl made of shards of glass.
[break][break]
He deserved to be angry and she was sapping it from him in her declarations. She could not be sorry of that when he sat down next to her. She wanted him like she wanted fire, like she wanted liquor. He was intoxicating and destructive. She imagined that if she could see him, his hands would be bleeding from touching her.
[break][break]
She never really wondered or worried at what Adem looked like. Beauty was such a ridiculous idea to her. She imagined that she was uniquely suited to understand it. Many people said she was beautiful-- many lovers had called her beautiful-- but at the end of the day, it was all a farce. She knew what she was inside, all barred teeth and sharp edges. She knew what shape she had conformed into to survive. The shape of jagged metal, pointed at anyone and everything. She also knew that those who considered themselves beautiful rarely were. She could hear their heartbeats. She knew what excited them, what they like. Kindness was so rarely on that list.
[break][break]
Months ago now, when Adem had just started, Suki had barely registered him. She had been with one lover for a week, a boy from the East, and she was bored. She had no good reason, no justification for what she did. She was just bored. So asked him for a secret and told her-- that his sister had ran off to be some common mortal wife for a fishmonger, sweeping floors, that he had almost gone with her. The next day she told everyone in the middle of the party. A whisper here, a whisper there, and the rumor ran off like a wildfire. He confronted her in the middle of the party, furious, screaming that he trusted her, that she mattered to him.
[break][break]
She knew she had a bodyguard. She knew that Adem was here somewhere and she couldn't be hurt, not really. She was used to being the center of attention, but what she felt in the Fae's heartbeats disturbed her. They felt hungry.
[break][break]
They were hungry for pain, for tears to be shed, for entertainment. She could hurt him and he could slap her and they would all go away happy. Pain was thrilling. Peace was dull. But there was one heartbeat in the crowd that wasn't hungry, that was worried, that was turned towards her for an entirely different reason. It was the same thing that echoed in her bones now. 
[break][break]
She had told him that if he wanted so badly to be some mortal's toy he should do it and that she was sure one of the glamoured girls would take him. She told him that he had been given enough practice with being a toy for her and worked very nicely for an absolute tool. His words about love and care spurred her on. She hated them. She wanted them as far away from her as possible. He didn't touch her, just walked away. She never saw him again.
[break][break]
Why was she thinking of this now?
[break][break]
Adem was the kind of beautiful that mattered, nervous and kind. The fae were not kind, but he was. He was trying to reassure her now, trying to convince her that beauty could be had, but she must have been a damper on his brilliance. How could she contribute anything to this? She was not kind. She was not caring. She was not the kind of beautiful that could restore anything. She leaned into his shoulder anyway. 
[break][break]
Why was she always in a state of dissolving around him? She thought she was strong enough to tolerate routine and then she never was. If she said she wanted him, how long would that last? She was scared of herself. She was scared of her impulses.
[break][break]
She was not kind like him, that much was true. But there was one more thing about her, and that thing was that it was not only her acknowledgement of the fae around her that pushed her to her cruelties. She was hungry too. If she was broken glass, they were a mirror. She was thinking about that because it reminded her of what she was.
[break][break]
If the fae were beast-like, then she was a beast's hunger. When you were born and you weren't supposed to exist, when everything was taken from you time and again, you learned to want. Suki had learned what desire was. And then she had become desire. She was the sharp teeth in their smiles and the glitter in their eyes. She was the anticipation in their heartbeats. She was always hungry-- hungry for challenges, hungry for pain. He was making it so hard to get that.
[break][break]
She didn't want to hurt him. She wanted him, and that terrified her. She was afraid of being satiated and afraid that it was impossible. She had been searching for the thing that would fit right in her heart and she could not find it. At one time she had imagined herself so warped that finding such a thing would prove impossible. Now she wanted him, and she had no idea which piece of him she wanted? All of him or only his pain. Was she looking for a mirror or running from it?
[break][break]
She was sure, with all of his decisive statements he expected her to have something to share. She did not. Trying to catch onto a thread of consciousness was like trying to catch water. Was this why it was called a stream?
[break][break]
She was at a crossroads. She could be bold or she could be ordinary. She could move on to someone else, but the reason she couldn't forget him was because she was still hungry. She wasn't at all sure she could be the sort of girl that was lovable, lovable by him or lovable by anyone. She wasn't at all sure she had the strength to stay. But she was also desire-- desirable and desiring-- and she was not going to be able to really move on from this. Desire was directionless, and ambition had a purpose. If he was a real goal-- to stay with him, to dull out her edges-- where did that leave her? Was she even capable of that. 
[break][break]
"I want you to stay," she said, and as soon as she said it, she knew there would be no turning back. "Or I want to stay. I want you to tell me about your family. Tell me a secret." She ran her hand up his arm. The words were familiar, the gesture was not. She was surprised that she truly did want to know. "I'm not at all sure you should trust me. But that's what I want." She tilted her head back so that she was looking up at him. He smelled like cedar.
[break][break]
Was this some secret she would spill like day-old coffee? Was this another thing she would use to ruin him so she could forget him? She was not even a bit sure. She should have been from the West, with all her dire warnings. But they both knew he wouldn't listen, and she wasn't in the West, or the South, or the Undersea. She belonged nowhere. She was here. 



[break][break]

[newclass=.Lost]opacity:0;transition:all linear .5s;-webkit-transition:all linear .5s[/newclass][newclass=.Lost:hover]opacity:95%;transition:all linear .5s;-webkit-transition:all linear .5s;background-color:#9e1717[/newclass]

[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Stay. What did that even mean for him? For her? They were kindred spirits, drawn together because they were always running away. They’d been running together, for a while, but now, she was begging him to stay. What did that even look like for them? Adem had been running for so long. Running from his family, running from his flames, his experiments, his secrets, and all the hurt that he’d caused. He was always running, always trying to stay ahead of his mind because if he stopped to think about his feelings, even for a second, he would be driven mad. And he wanted to stay with Suki, wanted to follow her wherever she went. He did that anyway since that’s how he got paid, but that word, stay, brought a permanence that made him uneasy.

    He wanted to stay, he really did. But the permanence of the word, of the request, was so new, so different from anything he’d ever known. He shouldn’t be afraid of it. But he was. Staying with Suki did not mean permanence, even though it felt like it did. It was a false comfort. She asked her lovers to stay and then ruined their lives. He didn’t want to be another name on her list of broken lovers. Adem wanted to be the only name she ever thought of. And to achieve that, he would have to stay. And wasn’t that what he was doing already? Staying? He was staying when he’d gone to a party with her and held her in his arms as she fell into a drugged sleep. He was staying when he’d used all his knowledge of poisons to bring her back to life. He was staying when they had laid in his bed the morning after, a tangle of sheets and limbs.

    Adem was staying even now when he’d come to look for her. Now, when he’d yelled at her out of fear for her life, and when he’d placed the salve on her burn. He was always staying with her. There were ten crescent-shaped wounds in his wrists, five in each side, proof that he was always staying. He always would be. “I want to stay,” he said simply. It was so quiet in Suki’s room. His voice wasn’t loud, but there was something big about what he’d said. It punctuated the air around them. “I would go wherever you went.” Even if it meant he had to sit outside the room while she lay with someone else? Yes. Even if it meant that, he realized. Something was changing. He shivered at her touch, or maybe it was at her next words. Adem knew what Suki did with secrets, but she couldn’t imagine that his were like anything she’d ever heard. “I know I shouldn’t trust you. I know what you do with secrets. But for some reason I do.” Everything about this moment was so uncomfortable. It was too close, too personal. It was intimate. He wanted to run. But that was what he was always doing, wasn’t it?

    He started with his family. “Well, you know my parents are in service to your aunt. I think my whole family has been in service to yours for generations.” The words tasted bitter, like sage leaves on his tongue. He hated talking about his family because he hated what he’d done to them. “I have two younger sisters, Reyi and Meera. They’re twins. They’re the babies of the family.” He paused, voice halting. He wondered whether or not he should keep going. The more he thought about it, the more he doubted whether or not she really cared about what he was saying. This conversation was too unlike them. Too comfortable. Too intimate. Adem leaned into her more, lifting his hand to twirl a piece of her hair between his fingers.

    Talking about his family meant remembering everything he’d ever done wrong. He taught himself to forget, to avoid the thoughts, but being with Suki made it easier. And that made him feel even worse. Was she really only a distraction to him? Was he really only using her to forget? He remembered the night of the Revel, the way that they had run until they couldn’t anymore, the way every bad thought and feeling went away the second his lips were on hers. He remembered the way her fingers had found the laces of his shirt, how his had found the ribbons in her corset, and how it all had come to an end much too early for his taste. He remembered it because he remembered what it had been like to come off of the high. She went away, and suddenly Adem remembered everything he’d ever done, clear as day. And it had hurt.

    But he kept coming back for her. And that had to be the reason why. He’d never cared about any other girl before Suki, and the way she made him feel was like nothing he’d ever imagined. But she was a drug to dull his senses, a distraction from everything wrong with him. Wasn’t she? But people didn’t tell their distractions their biggest secrets. Distractions didn’t ask about one’s family. “I also have a younger brother, Teo. He’s stuck in the middle and has too much energy for his own good.” Adem couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought of his brother. That very action sent a shooting pain through his heart. “He lost his leg in a fire.” And now he was dangerously close to it all. He could keep going with the truth, or he could stop now. He could leave and never look back. He could tell her aunt that he quit, that her niece was too much for him.

    But he opened his mouth once more. “I set that fire.” His voice cracked, thick with emotion, and he found himself blinking back tears. Suki would hate him now, wouldn’t she? How could anyone accept his actions, even if it had been an accident? If it had been an accident, why hadn’t he come clean yet? Adem knew he could lie to himself. Was that what this was? But Suki thought her sins were the worst ones ever committed, and Adem knew that she was wrong. The worst ones were his, and he bore them every day. The arm he’d put around her shoulders dropped to her waist. He felt like he’d been emptied of all his strength. “That is my biggest secret.”
    There was another pause. Was she processing what he'd just said? Adem braced himself for the moment when she told him to leave. He braced himself for the judgement, the chastisement. He'd told her her sins were not the only ones ever committed. He'd said that to her while thinking of his own. Adem looked up, his dark eyes meeting her blank ones. "But don't think I will let you get away with my secret for free. You owe me a secret now too." This was Faerie, after all. Everything had a price, everything had an exchange. A fate for a fate, a secret for a secret. "So tell me, what is it?"

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Your only flaw, you are flawless
But I just can't wait for love to destroy us.

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

1,110 words

music

n/a

[break]

I'm playing the victim so well in my head [break]

But it's me who's been making the bed

[break][break]

Suki wouldn't play at illusions, now. She wasn't sure she could manage or muster any. So the fae couldn't lie. Deception was an art, one she was well practiced at. However, it still took work to practice. So she had been asked for secrets, and even though she couldn't claim to have lied, it wasn't the truth. She told them one of her atrocities, one that was lesser-known, yes, but one that she was in no way ashamed of. She was not afraid of her worst moments. It was her quiet kindnesses that concerned her. Her lovers never heard about those. 
[BREAK][BREAK]
In the inevitable falling out, when she spilled their secrets like blood and they spilled hers like wine, Suki never pretended to be ashamed when she heard about. She heard the rumors and laughed and said "that wasn't the worst of it." Everyone believed her, every time, kneeling at the puddles of awfulness around her and lapping it up like hounds. The rumors spiraled until everyone knew what they were getting into and leapt into it anyway. She was bold and cruel and atrocious in the best way possible. The fae loved many things, but they loved wickedness the best.
[BREAK][BREAK]
Adem was not asking this and she knew it. She could tell him the worst things she did in droves and he would just stare straight ahead. He knew they weren't secrets because she had thrown them like darts at him at he had ignored it, standing strong and silent. He was supposed to be her bodyguard and he had acted like it the past months, standing up, his heartbeat like an unfailing drum. She wanted it to skip a beat. She wanted proof that he could crack too, because she was listening to his story, and she couldn't see it. For the first time, she felt really blind.
[BREAK][BREAK]
Her head was on his shoulder and this was nothing like the last time. Then she had felt safe and warm and had ignored the truth. They had shut the blinds and shut out the world. They ignored the truth, pressing down on them, a crushing weight around them. She couldn't ignore it anymore.
[BREAK][BREAK]
"I can't picture it." she said, closing her eyes, like that would help. The image before her was no hinderance. She couldn't see it. But she tried to imagine it and all she had was fragmented pictures. The smiles of her mother, dancing in glittering lights, sequins shedding off her dress. Her mother was nothing like the other fae, lithe and whispering and bending like willows. She was all curves, glitter shifts and shedding off her body like waves. She moved like water. Suki was supposed only a quarter undersea, but no one could believe it was from her father and not her mother.
[BREAK][BREAK]
Her father was hewn like stone, but he was soft with her. She would have grown up spoiled either way, but with their absence, she had grown up spoiled like fruit instead of spoiled like a princess. She would never forget either of their faces.
[BREAK][BREAK]
She took in the old house, that big ballroom, her mother's smile, the fire in the hearth. She tried to imagine the house smaller, and wooden, and on fire. She tried to imagine Adem. She had touched his skin and felt his heartbeat and she could not imagine what he must look like. Her reference frame for people was so slim. Her image of herself was hazy. She could imagine something shattered.
[BREAK][BREAK]
And a brother. He had a brother. Siblings-- so many-- it was rare with the fae. What would it have been like to not grown up in a home more full of ghosts than people? She couldn't imagine it either. She was trying to see it, the fire, the anger, the fear, the building, the burns. She couldn't.
[BREAK][BREAK]
"I can't picture it," she repeated. "I can't picture you, or me, or your brother. I cannot imagine it."
[BREAK][BREAK]
It was not that she couldn't imagine him doing something awful. She could. Everyone was awful. The fae liked it best because they were creatures of honesty. They were creatures of truth. They could not lie and they liked it best when all bets were off. When masks were gone everyone was at their worst awfulness. They had seen the cruelty in her. The hunger. Her lovers thought to please her by shedding their masks of decency like clothes. It did excite her. She was not so sure about joy.
[BREAK][BREAK]
She sighed, blowing her breath out, trying to see it as smoke. It didn't work. He asked the hard questions, or his presence forced hard answers, but she could not find it in herself to say anything really awful. She was sure he would see through her. She was a broken mirror with shards of glass who had stopped reflecting and started being transparent. 
[BREAK][BREAK]
"What do you want me to say?" She looked up at him, her head resting on his collarbone. She could feel his bones digging into hers and it felt better than trying to be soft. "I have thrown atrocities at you and you didn't even flinch. We both know that however horrible you think I am, I am probably worse. My secrets are not my awfulness." 
[BREAK][BREAK]
She had to focus on her breath as to not seem as terrified as she was. She did not know how to be vulnerable. She felt like a fish on dry land, exposing herself to the knife. She felt like she was about to be gutted. 
[BREAK][BREAK]
Maybe Adem was too noble to ever spill her secrets for revenge, but she doubted it. She had never met anyone that noble and she could not imagine being comfortable around him. She had leverage now, but that was no condolence. She could feel the answer. She knew the truth. It was pressing at her throat now. 
[BREAK][BREAK]
"And yet, I am often afraid." she said. "And more often guilty. I say I'd do it again, but repetition and pride are not the same thing. I often wonder that if I were raised differently, if I didn't feel the need to prove myself too sharp to touch, if I would be kinder. But I am certainly ashamed."
[BREAK][BREAK]
If horribleness fell around her into a puddle at her feet, then guilt followed her like a blood trail. She could only keep moving to hide from it. She could only keep running, and she had asked him to stay. She was a paradox. She could not have everything.
[BREAK][BREAK]
"I am fatally hungry," she said. "I will consume you. What do you want me to say?"
[BREAK][BREAK]

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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Adem had grown so used to Suki’s blindness, that he never thought about it anymore. She’d never looked so blind to him before now, trying to find an image of something in a mind that had never seen before. She’d never spoken about her blindness with him, and he had long since learned not to pity her for it. Suki didn’t need pity. Especially not his. He held her like she was the only thing keeping him from floating away, because, in a way, she was. In any other moment, her blindness would have made her look powerful. Now, it made her look like what she was: a girl, faced with a world that hated her, forced to find her way in it blindly. She’d never shown this side of her to him before. She looked vulnerable. But was she letting herself look vulnerable because she trusted him or because she wanted him to let down his guard?

    Adem trusted Suki, which, under any other circumstance, would have seemed foolish. But he knew her like no one else did. Even now, he listened to her quietly, letting her speak what was on her mind, feeling her heartbeats turn erratic, while his beat slow and steady along hers. “I don’t think you’re horrible.” He finally said. “And I don’t think you’re awful.” They were one and the same, weren’t they? They both thought they were horrible, both thought they deserved nothing of goodness. But the one way they were different was that one of them wasn’t truly horrible, and the other was. Suki could say she felt guilty for ruining the lives of her lovers, but she never truly loved them. They should have expected that something would have happened to them, for secrets always have a price.

    He raised a hand to stroke her hair, doing his best to be comforting. This was new to both of them: this vulnerability, this openness. The one thing they had in common was they ran, they hid. Would they stop for each other? Or would they run together? They were both guilty, and they were both afraid. Adem had always thought they were different, but really, they were more alike than he’d ever imagined. Their likeness would only bring them to ruin, though. What was that saying about opposites attracting? If they were the same, they would never have balance. If they were the same, they were hurtling together down the path to destruction.

    He sighed, breath ruffling Suki’s hair. She was fire, and she would consume him and everything in her path. But Adem knew fire, he knew how to tame it, how to control it, but most importantly, how not to get burnt. He didn’t want to control her or put her out. Suki being wild was what made her beautiful. He could dance around her flames, he could stoke the fire, but one could only go so long without getting burnt. His mind went to the scar on his neck. “You don’t need to feel guilty with me. I carry enough of that for the both of us.” Together they were a paradox, but alone they were the same. Adem didn’t get it. He couldn’t manage to wrap his mind around it. They weren’t supposed to make sense together. They didn’t make sense together. But maybe that was why they could no longer resist the pull of the other. They could orbit each other for so long, but they always came crashing together.

    His mind went to the night of the revel, when she’d told him something similar. I’ll ruin you. He’d only smiled. If he was to be ruined, what better person to be ruined by than her? If he was to be consumed, what better person to be consumed by than her? “What if there isn’t enough of me to satiate you? What then?” Adem wanted to ask her the hard questions because she was the only one who could ever give him some semblance of an answer. He held her hand in his, lifting it to press a kiss to her palm. “I would be consumed by you and only you.” There was too much of him to go around. No one else would be able to handle it. But Suki was not anyone else. “Tell me you will stay,” he murmured. “That is all I want.”

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Your only flaw, you are flawless
But I just can't wait for love to destroy us.

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

441 words

music

n/a

[break]

I'm playing the victim so well in my head [break]

But it's me who's been making the bed

[break][break]
“You asked me,” she said. “Months ago. ‘What is so bad about the truth?’. You asked me to stay, and I wanted to. I desperately wanted to.” But she didn’t. Why didn’t she?


[break][break]
It wasn’t as though she didn’t want to. It wasn’t as though she hadn’t tried. It wasn’t as though she ran because she liked it. She ran because she needed to. She ran because she was bleeding and she refused to search for the source of the wound. She ran because it was the safest and most dangerous option. She ran because it made her feel alive.


[break][break]
She did not know how to stay. She did not know how to be in one place and just be. She did not know how to belong to one person and to be theirs. She didn’t know how to be anything at all except a flight risk. She could never seem to stay. It felt like being throttled.


[break][break]
“I don’t want to hurt you,” she murmured. “I take no joy in it. Maybe I have before. I don’t now.” It wasn’t a maybe. She did enjoy hurting people, enjoyed tearing them apart with her words and her hands, enjoyed the hungry eyes of the fae on her, enjoyed the attention. Enjoyed being satiated. She was desperately hungry, hadn’t she said? She was desperately hungry and she would consume him until there was nothing left. And he was assuring her that she could not break him more, but she didn’t believe him, or she didn’t want to. She took no joy in hurting him. Right?


[break][break]
If she took no joy in hurting him, the assurance that she couldn’t should have made her feel better. Mostly, it made her feel scared. Mostly, it made her feel powerless. It was awful, of course, but if she couldn’t break him, her only other option was to stay.


[break][break]
And so they were here again. She was a girl who’s birthright was blood money, and he wanted to build something new. She was a girl who had never known anything but fleeing and fleeting moments, and he wanted her to stay. And she wanted to do everything he asked, and she knew intrinsically that she would fail. As long as she fell into him, she didn’t think she cared. His arm was around her and it felt like home. She tilted her face up, leaning into his touch. “No hiding,” she assented, tracing patterns onto his arm with her hand. She was tracing the ivy that grew over her windows back home. She was tracing the last place she remembered feeling safe. The last place before him.



[break][break]

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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    His hand was still in her hair, silky black strands sliding through his fingers. Adem fidgeted with it absentmindedly, listening intently. Suki had wanted to stay with him. Then why had she run? Maybe it was for that reason that she’d run. She had wanted to stay, something she had never wanted before, so she ran, something she did very often. In a way, Adem could understand it. Didn’t he run enough from his own problems? “But you ran away and I didn’t understand why. I still don’t understand, not really.” His voice was gentle, curious, soothing. He wasn’t asking her in order to accuse her of something, he truly wanted to understand. Suki had been under his supervision for months now, and she was still such a mystery to Adem. He wanted to know her more deeply, but it was quite a challenge if, he realized, she didn’t even know herself.

    Five weeks had passed without a single word, and of course he’d been upset, but that only stemmed from his worry, and had quickly given way to relief. Adem’s heart ached to realize that Suki thought she’d hurt him. “You didn’t hurt me. I wasn’t upset with you because your absence offended me, I was upset with you because I was worried for you.” His head dipped in assent, a gesture she would never know of. “No more hiding.” He watched as her fingers traced imaginary vines over his skin. If he closed his eyes, he could feel them growing over him and onto her, twining them together so they were no longer separable. So long had he been floating, untethered, the idea of somehow becoming tethered to something puzzled him. They had both been in a disordered orbit, somehow colliding, somehow joining together instead of blowing apart. They were an anomaly, a paradox. It was beautiful.

    “You know I care about you, Suki.” Adem tilted his head, eyes shining with emotion. He cupped Suki’s face in his hands and drew her close, heartbeats picking up, breaths mingling. “Tell me you know that,” he murmured before pressing his lips to hers, and suddenly everything in the world was right again. He made sure to be gentle, to be careful. This moment was fragile. Her skin was soft under his calloused fingers, and she tasted like sage and smelled like his clothes, and it would all have been much too overwhelming if it were another person. But it was Suki, and it was perfect. Her scars on his wrists, his ointment on hers. It was beautiful. They were beautiful.

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Your only flaw, you are flawless

But I just can't wait for love to destroy us.