Hold On To You {Suki}

[Adem Agni Yadav]

    All of a sudden Adem was lost. All he had heard was screaming, and all he had seen was the blur of the Faewild, rushing by as he and Suki raced through the brush. And then he had smelled it. He recognized that scent, the tangy copper scent of blood. The same scent that had run through the stink of smoke, mixing fire and blood on that fateful day. Now though, all he heard was the sound of his heart pounding, his and Suki's breaths racing, their footsteps against the leaves. It was too much for him, too much for his poor heart to manage. His breath had been lost several yards ago, and Adem could sense that Suki was feeling the same way. He slowed to a jog, realizing that their hands were still intertwined. He left them that way.

“Suki.” he panted, gasping for air. Never let it be said that Adem Yadav was one of the more athletic Folk. He realized he had doubled over and straightened up. The position was not, actually, conducive to helping catch one’s breath. Instead, it tended to cause all the blood to rush to the head, causing nausea and light-headedness. At least he was thinking straight that was good. “Suki,” he said again, less breathless, and whirled, taking in his surroundings before checking on her. He needed her to be alright. Please let her be alright. Not that it mattered, if her aunt had been the one who’d been killed. But that was neither here nor there. If that mad dash through the woods had taken quite a toll on him, how had it affected her?

    Adem knew he towered over her by many feet, and his legs were longer than hers, making it a little bit easier for him to cover lots of space in little time. Now, that wasn’t to say Suki’s legs were short. They were quite long in proportion to the rest of her body. They looked nice too. She had nice legs. So what? Adem shook his head. You almost just died, and you’re thinking about her legs? He never thought of these sorts of things, especially not in regard to his charge. Shoving these thoughts away into the compartment of his mind that dealt with fires and potion making, he met her blank eyes and tried to gauge how she was doing. She was still standing, which was a good sign, but he imagined she would be disoriented. Hell, Adem was disoriented and he was the one who could see. “Suki,” he placed a tentative hand on her arm, the other still holding hers. “Are you alright?”

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Who could ever leave me darling? Who could stay?

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

Words: 459

Music

Outfit: see revel post

[break][break]

All of my heroes [break]
Die all alone

[break]
Suki didn’t know where she was going, but everything about it this felt far too familiar. Her shoes were the wrong kind for this— she stopped and pulled her shoes off, throwing them to the ground. [break][break]


It didn’t help. The needles pressing into her bare feet, the scent of blood and pine mingling it the air— it was all too familiar. It felt like she was a child again, running away into the forest, knowing that all she had was herself and her wits. People came for her riches and left insulted and bruised. She didn’t have a proper staff. She ran around in robes and tatters. She ate sometimes. Her aunt could never control her and could never understand why. It was because she was raised feral, and it wasn’t easy to tame a girl who was used to fending for herself. She wasn’t going to be tamed. Her life had depended on being brutal for far too long.  [break][break]




But this wasn’t like when she was child, because she wasn’t alone. This wasn’t like when she was a child because she could his heartbeat, more steady than anything in her life had every been. Even her own heart was jackrabbiting. He was breathing hard. She was fascinated. She instinctively left her hand in his, turning in a slow circle. She couldn’t feel anything but the mass of emotions that was the revel, some distance off. It was far enough that it was a rather vague sense. [break][break]




Suki was no one’s fool. When she made the deal, she had no interest in any Fae trickery. One sense for another. Her sense of hearts— of emotions— went as far as her eyesight might. No more. No less. She has tried to keep it practical without being overwhelming, but just getting away from the revel was like a breath of fresh air. She could breathe again. [break][break]


Except for his hand on her arm. His hand in hers. Her name in his mouth sounded like a benediction. She couldn’t think straight. It took a lot to entrance her. She hated the feeling. [break][break]


”I’m fine.” she said a little breathlessly. She realized that she probably had blood on her face. She realized that this looked like more of an intimate moment then she would ever allow herself to be in. She took a step back from him abruptly. ”You saw it.” she said, turning back towards the revel. She couldn’t hear much now. ”What happened?” She said. She tried to tell herself to drop his hand. [break][break]


She didn’t. She could lie to herself all she liked, but Suki knew she would never be able to utter the words that she wanted to be that girl again, alone in the woods.[break][break]

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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    At least her hand was still in his. Adem knew, despite however much he felt… different around her, that nothing could ever happen between them, especially not with Suki's aunt around. He took a step back himself, not wanting to make her think he was insinuating any sort of intimacy between them, even if he felt the tiniest bit disappointed to do so. He cleared his throat again. In the pause, his brain finally registered the crimson splatter on her face, and clothes, the tiny speckles on his hands. He remembered his brother, hoping, praying, that the boy had gotten out alive. Maybe Teo just left early, his brain tried to reassure him, maybe he got bored and left after I arrived. But the sinking knot in his stomach could not do anything to remove the nerves he felt.

    His heart was still racing, but he didn't know whether it was from exertion, the manner in which Suki and Adem found themselves, or just pure adrenaline. Adem wondered how the two of them looked, two mismatched people living mismatched lives. Suki was fine. “Okay. Good. That’s good.” Now Adem’s priorities should be finding a way out of here, getting her to her dorm, going back to his, hoping for the best, and never achieving it. It should be time to go back to business as usual. But there was something entrancing, glamorous about this. As if a spell had been cast over them, and it was just Suki and Adem against the world. He just wanted to stay in this moment forever, with his only constant, the one person who truly wouldn’t care if he told her what he’d done.

    Adem tried to snap out of it, this odd entrance, but it was hard. “I didn’t see much. And of what I saw, I’m not sure.” In the blur of everything, all he’d seen was the faerie go down. His mind had had time to identify them as a part of the South Court’s nobility, but that was it. “Someone was attacked. Someone from—” he couldn’t bring himself to say the word, because it wasn’t the truth. A home was something Adem, like Suki, lacked. Not even school was home, with his brother around. It was just another place where he had to make sure he hid everything well. Another stop on his wandering journey. “— the South Court.” he finished. “I didn’t see who. I’m sorry.” He was quiet after that, pausing to gauge her reaction. Those dark speckles were still on her cheeks, dotting them like morbid freckles. “You have blood on your face,” he said simply. Adem’s hand itched to wipe it off, but it felt like too much. He shouldn’t be so close. He shouldn’t be touching her so much. He shouldn’t be feeling this way about her, like metal shaving to a magnet, a moth to a flame. “It suits you,” he added, and somehow her cheek ended up cupped in his hand.

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Who could ever leave me darling? Who could stay?

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

Words: 628

Music

Outfit: see revel post

[break][break]

All of my heroes [break]
Die all alone

[break]
Suki paced in a full circle around the clearing. She wasn't sure what to do. It wasn't safe to go back there. It wasn't safe to stay still. And she didn't know enough, and it was quiet and she was stuck with her thoughts, and it was awful. 

[break][break]

She always avoided times like these, the quiet and the fog she could feel clinging to her legs. The voices in her head that chased her around all the time. The thoughts that she was running from. 

[break][break]

It wasn't simply that she hated her thoughts. She hated herself. 

[break][break]

Trying to explain herself was impossible. She was a puzzle, an illogical connection of pieces that didn't quite fit together. She wasn't built right. She wasn't sure she ever had been. 

[break][break]

Her aunt accused her of being a mirror. Never being honest. But Suki wasn't a mirror. She knew exactly who she was. She was always herself. She was a prism. Light never hit her the same way twice. 

[break][break]

Everything she did was a connection of ideas, threads tying together contradictions. The pieces of her that hated herself and always had, and the piece of her who would sacrifice anything to survive-- they were the same. Or they were connected. She knew she couldn't have one without the other.  

[break][break]

And she wanted to tell him to go, and she wanted to beg him to stay. She could feel that he was worried like a backdrop on top of everything. Would it be more selfish to say nothing or move closer? 

[break][break]

That was the issue. Nothing she did was ever selfless. She could self-destruct or do the most selfish thing possible, and it was all the same. No one could understand how she could give up her sight for this ability. But how was she supposed to do anything else? 

[break][break]

Suki would cut off her leg to save the rest of herself without hesitation. She would also burn anyone else. But she would also ruin herself just because she was bored. It didn't make sense. It wasn't supposed to. It was never a question of knowing. It was always a question of understanding. It was always a question of acting.

[break][break]

"Are you just glad I'm okay because it's your job?" she asked, taking a step closer. Her hand was in his. She had moved away just a moment ago, but she moved closer now. She lowered her voice like she was ashamed to ask. Maybe she was. 

[break][break]

Someone from the South Court. Not someone from home. It wasn't her home. Neither was the East Court. Neither was that manor her parents left her. Nowhere and no one was really her home. Even her name wasn't really hers. Tsukishima. It belonged to the father it wasn't supposed to love. Kagome, from the mother who made a mistake. It meant lost. She knew she was lost. She had been searching for something her entire life, and she had no idea what it was, but she knew she hadn't found it. She doubted she ever would. 

[break][break]

She tilted her face up towards his. He was cupping her cheek. It suits you. She hated it. She hated that he was right. She hated that she wanted to believe him. She hated that they were standing this close, and their heartbeats had mixed until she didn't know which was which, and it felt right. She hated that she was little bit excited, like she thought this would go anywhere. 

[break][break]

She was almost happy, and it was awful, because her aunt or someone she knew could be dead right now, and she didn't care, because he was holding her. She had blood on her face, but it didn't matter, because it made her look lovely. She hated herself. 

[break][break]

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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Adem could not take it anymore. The twang in his heart when she had asked him that question was too much. He didn’t know if he should stop this madness, pull away, and take them somewhere where they could rest for the night. He didn’t know if he should pull her closer, wrap her in his arms, and just relish the feeling before Suki shoved him away again. Why did there always have to be a push and pull in Adem’s relationships? With his brother, he pushed the boy away. Far away. The more distance, the better. His parents and his sisters? Even farther. With Suki, he knew he needed to do the same thing, for the sake of professionalism, if anything. If he even allowed himself to begin to feel an inkling of care that extended beyond the confines of his job, things would not end well for her. For them. They never did.

    And yet, a small spark of hope fired off in his heart. Maybe they could be together. Maybe he wasn’t a fool. But these thoughts didn’t stay in his mind for long. Hope was irrational, illogical even. Adem was a realist, and he knew that this fantasy would never last. So why did he feel the need to still be truthful with her? “No.” It was too simple of an answer for such a complicated feeling behind it. It wasn’t that he wanted to make sure just for the sake of basic person-to-person respect. It was still more than that. “I most certainly am not glad you’re okay just because it’s my job.” The moment he said it he wanted to take it back. He was not ashamed of it, but he knew it was too much. Suki was not the type of girl to return feelings. He’d seen that in the short time that he’d been watching over her. He knew her. Usually, it went something like this: Suki met someone who had feelings for her. Suki played with them until she realized she returned their feelings. Suki left. The poor person was heartbroken. The end.

    Did Adem feel like going through with something like that? Certainly not. Which was why he knew it was the best option for him to leave. Take his hands off of her, take back anything he’d said, and pretend it never happened. But that stupid little feeling came back to him, and he knew he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve anything that would make him happy. But what if it made Suki happy too? She doesn’t deserve to be punished for your sins. The thought came and went, a silly little whisper in the back of his mind, gliding along on the wings of hope. Adem worked with poisons. He knew the way they infiltrated the body and even the mind. Hope was poison. But it was more like his drug.

    Adem thought Suki was leaning into him, into his touch, but he knew it was just hope’s hallucination. He thought that there would be no consequences for this moment, but that was hope again, clouding his judgment. But he relished the feeling, this high that it gave him. It was so nice to finally feel something positive after years and years of guilt and self-loathing. It was a nice distraction, if that’s all that this would amount to be. But there was something in his heart that knew that this didn't end in a simple distraction. “There’s more to it than that.” he should stop talking, probably. Adem had gone over that already. “But you knew that already, didn’t you? I don’t know how you know, but you do.”

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Who could ever leave me darling? Who could stay?

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

Words: 754

Music

Outfit: see revel post

[break][break]

All of my heroes [break]
Die all alone

[break]

"What are you asking?" she said. And it was an honest question. Was he really asking if she knew? Or was he asking if she would act on it? The two were not the same. [break][break]

"I know." she said, closing her eyes, letting herself focus on that heartbeat. It was how she could run circles around anyone. It was how she knew what people were feeling before they did. How she could tell if there was truth behind their words. The fae couldn't lie. But this was something different altogether.[break][break]



It was the way hearts moved faster when someone was taking a risk. The way they shifted when someone hurt them. The way people fought to hard to guard and hide their hearts and they always failed. That was what she had learned most of all. That if you tried to guard your heart, you would always fail. [break][break]


 
But Suki didn't. Suki practiced, and practiced, and practiced. She plotted escape routes before she had ever entered a room. She slashed names out of her mind in red ink. She laughed at the right time, said the right thing, and then vanished. She didn't protect her heart. Caring for your heart was the easiest way to break it. She despised it. [break][break]



Despise your heart. Set it aside. It was the only way. It was the only thing that worked. Every time she told herself: Just go, just go, just go. Don't look back. Toss a match on the bridges behind you and never, ever, stop to think abotu what might have been. [break][break]



But sometimes she did anyway. [break][break]



Suki wasn't perfect. No one was. Sometimes she wondered what it would have been like if her parents had lived. She wondered what they would have thought. She wondered if her mother was just like all the people Suki tried not to be like, the people who followed their hearts aimlessly. She wondered if her mother regretted her. [break][break]



Most of all, Suki wished she could have asked them questions. Asked them how to be. Ask them how to stay. Ask them how to do anything but tear off into the woods, bleeding, scared, but determined not to need anyone. Ask them how be here and not break the boy before her. [break][break]



But they didn't live. And there was a reason Suki didn't dwell on what-ifs. [break][break]



When she was seven, she got a cut. A bad one. She was playing on the stairs, sliding down the banister, and she fell. She cracked her shoulder on the stone floor. She was crying. She was bleeding. And her first instinct was to run into the woods.[break][break]



She took off down some unknown path, leaves crunching under her bare feet. She didn't stop until she was far from her house, far from prying eyes. She didn't go back until she had taken care of the cut herself, until she had stopped crying, until she could act like everything was fine. She didn't go back until she had proven she needed. nothing but herself. [break][break]



That was the first day she despised her heart. She ran off. She didn't look back. That day, Suki realized something. Money was power. Knowledge was power. Following your heart? That was a weakness. The first day she despised her heart was not when she traded her sight away. At that point, she had been doing it for years. [break][break]



Despise your heart. She told herself, standing here, in his arms. Despise your heart. She told herself as he spoke. But she didn't listen. She didn't move. The voices were still there: Just go, just go, just go. But for the first time, Suki decided to stay. [break][break]



She slid her hands up his chest until they were resting on his shoulders. It was cold. There was fog around them-- she could feel it in the air. This wasn't right. It wasn't safe.  [break][break]



She opened her eyes. "But I supposed I'm about to answer your other question too." She stood up on her toes and kissed him. It was a bad idea. She could lie to herself and say she would only do it once. She could lie to herself and say that this was a simple thing. But even then she knew it was a mistake she would make over and over again. [break][break]



Despise your heart. But the voice was weaker now. Growing silent. [break][break]



Instead, she thought, what if just once, I show someone else that I'm bleeding?  [break][break]



It was foolishness. But this was faerie. They were all losing their heads. [break][break]


[break][break]

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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Well. He certainly hadn’t been expecting that response. It was, to put it quite plainly, a committal response. Suki had not only directly answered him and not skirted around the topic, but she had been truthful with him about her feelings too. Adem tried to fight back a feeling of pleasant surprise. She knew and she was drawing closer to him, both physically and (dare he think it) emotionally. His drugged heart leaped, though it was more like a palpitation than anything else. He really needed to stop indulging in this. It was killing him. Or was it? "I'm not really asking anything. The statement was a fact, not a question." His voice sounded husky to his ears. But that had to be that damn hope, hope that he was doing this right, whatever this was. Girls liked husky voices, didn't they? Not like it mattered. Adem shouldn't care what Suki's vocal preferences were.

    He shook his head, trying to clear these odd thoughts from his mind, trying to think rationally for once during this whole night. But his heart was pounding faster with her closeness, and the moon was making her milky skin look pearlescent, and he'd never thought of her unseeing eyes as such beautiful orbs before. Adem inhaled sharply, realizing again that this was too dangerous for him to be doing right now. He needed to pull away, he needed to turn around and dunk his head in the nearest cold stream there was. Adem could not continue on like this. His hands were shaking as he tried to slide them out of her grip, off of her cheek.

    But then she kissed him.

    And his hands slid off of her just long enough to reposition themselves on her waist. Adem leaned into the kiss, realizing she'd done this thousands of times, and he'd only done it once— as in, right now. It was electric, this kiss. He felt as though the fog that had been closing in on him was lifted, revealing a world that was more vibrant and detailed than anything he’d ever experienced. The sounds, the smells, the touches, the tastes, all exploded over his senses in an almost debilitating manner. Adem couldn’t help but be amazed at this phenomenon. Suki’s mouth was sure against his, well practiced in an art he’d never known he should appreciate. It wasn’t quite soft, wasn’t quite hard. She tasted like wild raspberries, sweet but much more sour, with traces of ash and something metallic. Something dangerous. But Adem had always found solace in danger.

    For the first time in what felt like ages, he was feeling something that didn’t feel like it would kill him. Well if this could kill him, Adem would want to die every day. Suki’s hands were on his shoulders, her body pressed against his. He wanted more. He wanted her closer, he wanted her to touch him more. It felt like it could never be enough. And yet, at the same time, it was much more than enough. She was petite, shorter than him by a couple of feet, at least. He supposed it wouldn’t take much to lift her, to hold her even closer. Adem felt his mouth open against hers, just a tad more, and he decided. He lifted Suki up, settling her legs around his waist. His hands splayed against her back, itching to make contact with her skin. For the second time that night, he felt his heart racing too fast for him to keep up. He felt, he felt, he felt. Too much was happening all at once, and Adem didn’t know if Suki had been kissing him for minutes or hours or seconds. He didn’t care.

    His lips were pressed against hers, harder than before, more hungry. If he’d thought hope was a drug, it was nothing compared to whatever this feeling was. Maybe he’d overdose on the pure ecstasy of the feeling, and simply cease to exist. There were worse ways to go. But his heart was racing, his lungs were screaming for air, and he needed to pause. He needed to breathe. Adem pulled away, though he didn’t want to lose a second of this. “My other question?” he breathed against her lips. “I hadn’t even asked it, and yet you answered it.” He kissed her again, quickly, and realized he was smiling against her mouth. A real smile. It had been a long time since he’d been able to pull off one of those. “It wasn’t the answer I was expecting, but it was certainly the answer I wanted to get.”

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Who could ever leave me darling? Who could stay?

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

Words: 622

Music

Outfit: see revel post

[break][break]

All of my heroes [break]
Die all alone

[break]

It was wrong, that this felt right. That she wanted more of this. He tasted nothing like she thought. He tasted like everything she wanted. He tasted like fire and arsenic and all sorts of things that were bad for her. She loved things that were bad for her. She chased them. [break][break]

He was lifting her. She wrapped one arm around his neck. She didn't want to let go. She was holding him too tightly. She was going to break him. She was going to break this. This moment was going to fall to pieces and she was going to get cut and bleed all over their sharp edges. And there were far too many broken moments. She was a patchwork girl-- hastily stitched back together from millions of tiny cuts she caused herself. She watched her life like a montage-- a flashback of things she could have done better. [break][break]

She didn't know how to do this better. Her nails were digging into his shoulder. She wanted to find the laces on his shirt and pull them loose. She wanted to tell him to stop. She wanted to be able to stop. Stop feeling or stop acting on it. She didn't know anymore. [break][break]

He was nowhere near the first person she had kissed. He was the first person she had kissed like this-- too hard, too soon. She bit down on his lip, hard. Harder than she should have. She ran her fingers through his hair. Her breath was coming in too quickly. Was it really supposed to feel like this? He was smiling. Why was he smiling? Was there anything about her worth smiling for? Worth any positivity at all? You smiled at flowers. She was all thorns.  [break][break]

Her thoughts were coming in too fast. Everything was happening too fast. She blinked hard, like she thought she could bring herself back to reality. Like she could realize this was a mistake or convince herself it wasn't one worth making. Like she could hate the consequences instead of chasing the pain. But this wasn't a dream. It was real. [break][break]

He was so tangible. That was the hardest part-- that she could feel him, under her palms, his heartbeat solid through it all. It was so easy to forget that she was real, that the things she did mattered, that if she could see she would know she left footprints. But he was real, and it was intoxicating. [break][break]

Tell me to stop. She thought. He pulled away from her and she braced herself for the blow. It would hurt. It would also be for the best. He said that she answered it. He said that he wanted this. She wanted to ask so many questions. Do you want me? The fae couldn't lie and she knew she couldn't bear the answer. [break][break]

There was no winning here. But she asked anyway. "I'll ruin you." she said. She couldn't lie. Couldn't break a promise or give a false warning. "And if I don't I'll ruin myself." If they kept going, they would be accepting that truth. She would be accepting that truth. No one had ever been worth ruining herself for before. No one had held her like this-- not like water or a knife but like a person. Like someone worth something.  [break][break]

It was the most curious paradox. Not worth anything, but not to be ruined either. Or only to be ruined by herself. Never anyone else. She wouldn’t let them close enough to break her. She would insist on doing it alone. Self-sufficient to the last. Self sufficient to the end, even if it was her own. [break][break]

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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Would it be her nails against his shoulder? Would it be the way she’d bitten his lip and he’d barely felt a thing? Would it be the way she was holding him against her? What would be the thing he’d regret the most? Would he regret any of it? He really hoped not. Adem had to admit that this would be a painful thing to have to feel bad about, a pain even to rival the pain he felt when thinking about his brother. But he couldn't think about things like that. Not right now. It was hard to imagine that anything even existed outside of this moment. How could anything else exist alongside this moment? Their foreheads were pressed against each other, breaths mixing. He wasn’t thinking of anything else except for her.

    “You won’t be the only thing that will ruin me. But if I must be ruined, I want it to be done this way. I want it to be done by you.” His voice was unsteady, quavering on the wave of emotions he was feeling. “I have a lot of regrets in my life.” He paused, trying to push down any sadness or guilt that was trying to dominate this moment. He would not let it ruin this for him. “This isn’t one of them. Not yet. I dread the coming of that day, but I can also pray that it never will.” Adem wondered what she’d say to that. Maybe a comment about the godlessness of the fae, maybe something about how she didn’t believe him. Whatever she said, he expected it. By now, he’d grown to know her well.

    Adem wanted to keep kissing her, so he did. He kissed her mouth, softly at first, but quickly regained momentum. He knew what he was doing now, falling towards this beautiful catastrophe. He knew he could push the boundaries he’d set for himself. So his mouth fell from hers, brushing her jaw, roaming down to her neck, to the spot right under her ear. He could feel her heartbeat. It was pounding, racing just like his. It gave some satisfaction to know Suki reacted to this same way he did, even if she hid much better. He made his way back up to her mouth, reveling in the satisfaction. He smiled again, knowing that he shouldn’t, knowing that he looked crazy. People only smiled at flowers. Adem knew Suki was only thorns.

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Who could ever leave me darling? Who could stay?

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

Words: 570

Music

should i switch the song to "who we are?" maybe.

[break][break]

All of my heroes [break]
Die all alone

[break]
Suki wanted to listen to him. She wanted to heed his words. But honestly, she might ignore the most dire of warnings if he would keep holding her like that. If he would let her hold on to him, no matter what. [break][break]


 
Suki wrapped her legs tighter around him and cupped his face. Too hard. She was holding him too tight. She was going to lose him. He was going to melt away. He was going to spill away from her, or he would leave, and she would drown in that emptiness. Suffocating would be better. Falling now would be better. But this wasn't falling, and this wasn't yet drowning. It was just knowing that this was good, and it wouldn't stay that way. It was feeling the water in her lungs before the tide rose. [break][break]




She didn’t know how to answer. Could she blame him? If he walked away, if he left now, she wouldn’t be surprised. She wished she could. She wished she could say it. But she feared she wouldn’t get the words out. [break][break]




”Praying doesn’t do anyone any good.” she said. ”Let’s make our own fate.” She believed it too. The choices they made, the weapons they wielded and the poison they drank– it was just up to them. No one could force them. Faerie deals couldn’t be broken, but they didn’t have to be made. [break][break]




If this was an oath, she would take it. If anything was prayer, it was how she was kissing him. If something was a blessing, it was the way he was holding her. She paused for a moment, drinking in the feeling of him. Drinking in everything about this. Drinking, drowning. He was headier than any wine, and easily more potent. [break][break]




And if that wasn’t some kind of absolution– if this was one thing that couldn’t be forgiven– then she would take the fall. [break][break]




Falling, drowning. Regrets and ruination. Was that all they were? Disasters waiting to happen? [break][break]






His words slowed her down. It didn’t really stop her. She wasn’t being less harsh. But she pulled her hands out of his hair and dragged them down his arms, slowly. Still gripping too hard. She ran a line of kisses along his jawbone, pausing. She didn’t know how to reply. [break][break]




She was holding on too tight to him. It was like trying to hold water. It was like trying to stop a cut with razor blades. It wasn’t like anything. It was a paradox, an impossibility, a moment that she knew she couldn’t keep and didn’t want to leave. [break][break]




”I want all of it.” she said. Her voice was rough, with desire, from the cold of the air or the heat from her skin. ”I want to be there with you. I want more of this.” And it was awful, and it was true. This wasn’t like anything else. Faerie was land of paradoxes and godlessness, but nothing as holy as this. Nothing set apart. [break][break]


And that was all holy really meant. Set apart. Different. The fae made their own fortunes, their own fate. They took what they wanted and burned in the hells they built. But if that was the case, then everything came down to this moment, and then the next. [break][break]


She didn’t want there to be a next. She was doing everything she could to drag this moment out. Everything she could to hold on.[break][break]

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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    Suki was clutching at him now. It was like she was scared he’d fall away, like she’d lose him. Her grip on him never faltered, even as he felt her hand slide from his hair to his arms. She was holding on so tight to him, did she think he would let her go? Adem would have to be crazy to even think of letting go of this. It was the best thing that had happened to him in a while. He marveled at the beauty of this moment, the sanctity of the feeling. His whole body was shaking, vibrating on the high of it. He tilted his head back, baring his throat. She was kissing him everywhere, lighting him on fire. He wished any fire that he made could feel this good, he wished fire didn’t have to be innately destructive. Adem wanted this to last, and he would let himself burn if it meant he could keep it. He would burn for her.

    His mind was racing, his heart was beating much too fast for his breath to keep up. He set Suki down, trying to give his shaking frame a break. Adem didn’t let go of her though. He held her as close to him as he could, kissing her moonlit face. He’d spent so much of his life running, chasing, trying to get as far away from his past as he could. This moment was like a break. He’d slowed to a walk, letting himself relax, and recharge, before he ran again, chasing his future. Maybe one day he wouldn’t have to feel this way, as if nothing could be achieved without having to work hard for it. Maybe one day he and Suki could just be. That’s all he wanted, really, was to be with her.

    A wide grin split his mouth as she spoke. She wanted it too. She wanted him. Suki wanted him. Relief flooded through him, he felt like he could rest longer, he wouldn’t have to chase her, to try to keep up. They would be able to be together, just them against the world. “I want it too. I want you, Suki. If you’ll have me.” He kissed her once more. He thought of all the nights he’d spent alone, empty, hating himself. Those feelings were still there, but nothing could oust the joy in his heart. Maybe later he’d come off of the high. Maybe he’d realize how stupidly he’d acted to even think that it was possible for him to have something with Suki, but he was on a drug. He was hoping. Hoping for better things. “You don't have to hold me so hard. I'm not leaving." he watched her, trying to guess what she was thinking. "I would make my own fate with you.”

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Who could ever leave me darling? Who could stay?

[Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome]

[nospaces]

[attr="class","Lost"]

[break]

Adem Agni Yadav

Words: 285

Music

should i switch the song to "who we are?" maybe.

[break][break]

All of my heroes [break]
Die all alone

[break]
Suki felt her feet touch the ground, but her head was still in the clouds. She wasn't sure when she would come back to earth. Lovestruck or lovesick. She didn't release him. Someone would have to pry him from her hands.

It was cold, now. With him gone. With him not pressed against her. A chill creeped up her back, and she was terrified that she would be like that forever, that she would keep seeking his heat. 

She only had a faint memory of colors. They mattered little to her. But this felt red. It was firey and it was dramatic. It was bold and too much too soon. She didn't want to lose it. It was the same color as lips and hearts and blood. Was that screaming behind her?

She cupped his face. He wanted her. She wanted him. She always got what she wanted. He never did. The chips would fall and the cards would be shown, but she was holding her hand as she held his.

She studied their intertwined fingers. One hand on his cheek. One hand in his. She wanted more. She would never have enough of him. But she could feel his heartbeat. She could feel her own. The cold creeped in and she struggled to breathe.

She leaned back as he kissed her. More gently. She didn't want that. She wanted him to hold her like he might shatter her. She wanted him to hold her together. She wanted him.

She could feel herself softening to him, but not mended. Cleaner edges, but they were still there. Maybe later she could pick up the pieces. Now she just held on to him, warding off the cold. 

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[Adem Agni Yadav]

    It was too much, really. He’d thought that already, but the moment was rising to a climax, he could feel it. It was like he was holding his breath, and his lungs were burning and he was holding on as long and as hard as he could for that release. That moment when he’d breathe again. When everything would go back to the way it was. To school, to class, to pretending he was fine without Suki. That was why he wanted the burn, he wanted the pain, despite however much it might kill him to keep holding his breath. Besides, the sad denouement that was his life hurt anyway, what was something more?

    Suki was leaning back now, and Adem was nearly doubled over her. He dropped his hand from hers, circling his arms back around her waist, holding her close to him again. There it was again, that warmth, that comfort of having her so, so near to him. His hands were splayed over her lower back, but he let them roam, finding the laces of her corset. He tugged on one, experimentally, and he let it fall, loose, down her back. He was ashamed almost, he realized as he kissed her harder, of how much he wanted this, and of how far he was going. How far he’d already gone. He needed to stop, he needed to take her back home and go to sleep and pretend none of this ever happened. Adem feared how much more would happen if he didn’t pull away now.

    But it was so comfortable, holding her and kissing her. But it would only end in pain. But, but, but. His mind whirled with excuses as he tried to lose himself again. It wouldn’t work. He had to stop. He pulled his mouth away from hers and straightened, hands leaving her body. It hurt, he realized, the shock of not being pressed against her. Why did he have to pull away so abruptly? He could’ve at least held her hands. Adem cleared his throat. “We should—” his breath caught, quavering from the exertion. He cleared his throat again. Great, now he’d made everything awkward. “I should take you home now. It’s getting late.” He didn’t want this, he hoped that Suki could hear it in his voice. He didn’t care if it was late. He’d kiss her all night. It was ironic, he realized. He’d found his missing piece, but Adem knew he was destined to never be complete.

TAGS: Tsukishima "Suki" Kagome

★fai

Who could ever leave me darling? Who could stay?